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Who is Tracy Reed?

I am a Linux enthusiast, a multi-engine instrument-rated pilot, and a traveller. I am interested in all aspects of computing and technology in general, especially Linux and Free Software. As an avid pilot I can be found somewhere over the skies of the southwestern US most weekends.  As a traveller I have been to many interesting places. Check out my photo gallery. Want to get me something cool? Check out my wish list!



We are paying for Microsoft's jelly doughnut.

by Tracy R Reed — last modified Jan 19, 2009 04:05 PM
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I am putting together a theatrical version of Stanley Kubrick's classic war film "Full Metal Jacket". Starring: Microsoft as the fatbody Private Pyle. Russian crackers as Sargeant Hartman rummaging through the footlocker. Your social security number as the jelly doughnut. Windows as the unlocked footlocker. You and I as the rest of the platoon.

HARTMAN stops in front of PYLE and notices his footlocker is unlocked. He picks up the lock and holds it up to PYLE.

HARTMAN: "Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?"

PYLE: "Sir, I don't know, sir!"

HARTMAN:  "Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: "If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Get down!"

PYLE steps down, from the footlocker. HARTMAN flips open the lid with a bang and begins rummaging through the box.

HARTMAN: "Well, now .. . let's just see if there's anything missing!"

HARTMAN freezes. He reaches down and slowly picks up a  jelly doughnut, holding it in disgust at arm's length with his fingertips.

HARTMAN: "Holy Jesus! What is that? What is that, Private Pyle?!"

PYLE: "Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!"

HARTMAN: "A jelly doughnut?!"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!"

HARTMAN: "How did it get here?"

PYLE: "Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "And why not, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Because you are a disgusting fatbody, Private Pyle!"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your footlocker, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, because I was hungry, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Because you were hungry?"

Holding out the jelly doughnut, HARTMAN walks down the row of recruits still standing with their arms outstretched.

HARTMAN: "Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You people have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!"

HARTMAN: (to PYLE) "Open your mouth!"

He shoves the jelly doughnut into PYLE's mouth.

HARTMAN: "They're paying for it, you eat it!"

HARTMAN turns to the recruits.

HARTMAN: "Ready . . . exercise!"

The platoon does push-ups.

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