Cryptography Lessons
Tracy r reed   |  

We are paying for Microsoft's jelly doughnut.

I am putting together a theatrical version of Stanley Kubrick's classic war film "Full Metal Jacket". Starring: Microsoft as the fatbody Private Pyle. Russian crackers as Sargeant Hartman rummaging through the footlocker. Your social security number as the jelly doughnut. Windows as the unlocked footlocker. You and I as the rest of the platoon.

HARTMAN stops in front of PYLE and notices his footlocker is unlocked. He picks up the lock and holds it up to PYLE.

HARTMAN: "Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?"

PYLE: "Sir, I don't know, sir!"

HARTMAN:  "Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: "If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Get down!"

PYLE steps down, from the footlocker. HARTMAN flips open the lid with a bang and begins rummaging through the box.

HARTMAN: "Well, now .. . let's just see if there's anything missing!"

HARTMAN freezes. He reaches down and slowly picks up a  jelly doughnut, holding it in disgust at arm's length with his fingertips.

HARTMAN: "Holy Jesus! What is that? What is that, Private Pyle?!"

PYLE: "Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!"

HARTMAN: "A jelly doughnut?!"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!"

HARTMAN: "How did it get here?"

PYLE: "Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, no, sir!"

HARTMAN: "And why not, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Because you are a disgusting fatbody, Private Pyle!"

PYLE: "Sir, yes, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your footlocker, Private Pyle?"

PYLE: "Sir, because I was hungry, sir!"

HARTMAN: "Because you were hungry?"

Holding out the jelly doughnut, HARTMAN walks down the row of recruits still standing with their arms outstretched.

HARTMAN: "Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You people have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!"

HARTMAN: (to PYLE) "Open your mouth!"

He shoves the jelly doughnut into PYLE's mouth.

HARTMAN: "They're paying for it, you eat it!"

HARTMAN turns to the recruits.

HARTMAN: "Ready . . . exercise!"

The platoon does push-ups.